I can pee like a sprinkler (in a circle)!

This is a little embarrassing, but here goes.... I've made so many strides over the past several weeks with regard to my people skills, but Marcymommy realized after my last trip to Fuzzy Friends that I had attachment issues. Well, of course I do, royalty can't just be friends with anyone! She decided that Pauldaddy should do more bonding with me, which involved him taking me outside and feeding me and holding me without Marcymommy always around. So for the past week Pauldaddy is insisting that I respond to him with love as much as I do with Marcymommy. They're saying I don't generalize my affections from one person to another. I didn't think it was a problem, but I seem to be losing my grip on my castle lately. So this morning Marcymommy suggested to Pauldaddy that he really wanted to bond with me this morning by letting me out of my crate and taking me out to potty--all by himself.

I'm more than happy to greet him as he opens the door, but only because I expect Marcymommy to be around the corner. This morning I know she's not, so I back into a corner and use my most assertive tone of voice with Pauldaddy. Who knew he could fit half his body into the crate?! I bit him on the finger (gently, of course) but he grabbed me anyway. He's so clueless. I screamed as he took me outside because I knew Marcymommy would hear me through her window. But she didn't come outside and I couldn't hold it anymore. Pauldaddy picked me up to bring me back inside (I have legs, man, I can walk!). He brought me to see Marcymommy, and I thought my world was right again. I even let Pauldaddy cuddle me some more (well, Marcymommy threw me into his arms). As she was getting ready for the day (i.e. breakfast without me) I realized I had to go potty again. The bathmat is really lush and since I don't see a wide range of colors, how was I to know I wasn't supposed to go on it? I thought it was part of spoiling me. I start circling, looking for the perfect spot, when Marcymommy looks down and actually uses the word, "no." I mean, really. She picks me up and swings me around to face away from her, and I think it must sort of be like the Six Flag rides that go in circles and you just let loose, accidentally. I personally think that people should not be allowed to laugh at you when you make such an error, but she called Pauldaddy to come get me and I could hear her screaming with laughter. Worse than peeing on the floor, she said, was picking me up mid-stream, swinging me around, and realizing that's I could pee 360 degrees on the walls, closet, and sink counter. Bust out the clorox wipes!

the disciplinarian

I have always considered myself to be a natural leader. Since I've generally mastered being bathed and combed and am learning to play without peeing in fear, I thought it was a good time to begin close monitoring of my insubordinates. Marcymommy makes every attempt to maintain order in the castle, but monsters aren't always very cooperative. Case in point--they know they aren't supposed to bark savagely at the sliding glass door when people walk by. Or when leaves skitter by. Or when a new rock suddenly appears on the patio. So one day I took matters into my own hands and strode purposefully and firmly (i.e. like a bunch of scattering marbles) over to the monsters. I bounced, I dodged, I nipped at ankles and tips of tails, and never noticed Marcymommy shouting at the monsters to quiet down. But she meant everyone, including me. Can you imagine that?? I'm only trying to help but she actually said the words, "you are not the boss, let me take care of it." I refused to believe this so several times I have loudly lectured the monsters at various times and, while they get in trouble, I also get disciplined Cesar Milan-style, with a quick tap on my neck. Instead of my usual bugging-out of my eyes in anger, I now roll over in her arms so she can apologize by rubbing my belly. I suddenly understand, and it's ok. She wants me to delegate the discipline to her so I'm free to pursue other, happier activities, such as kitten wrestling and hall racing. What a generous thought.

news flash: I am NOT a squeaky toy

I may have to get a new writer. Marcymommy only devotes one day a week to my blog when in fact I should be a priority. Oh, well. So this past couple of weeks she thought it would be a good idea, or funny, or morbidly cruel, or whatever, to allow the small household monster to enter my domain at will. When I say small, I mean that's Marcymommy's description. I'm a petite four pounder and this behemoth weighs at least 50. The only thing I'm bigger than is the kitten, and I'm told that's temporary. You take what you can get sometimes, though, because my other options are either 80 pound monster. So I'm on the bed in the morning while Marcymommy gets ready to go to work and earn money to spend on me when the "little" monster bounds into the room and onto the bed. Marcymommy usually carries me around to prevent such intrusions so I ran to the edge of the bed and raised up on my hind legs, waving my front paws at her. It was not to be. She has this evil smile she gets when she's trying to introduce me to something that she says will be good for me. Moving on, the monster is on the bed getting closer by the millisecond. Did you know that I don't need wings in order to fly?!?! Now, when I'm on the couch, Marcymommy doesn't let the monsters up, so I feel a little safer and will dart around, barking at them. On the bed, however, I discovered that I may need to invest in stilts. Monster towers over me, leans her head down, and puts her entire mouth around my middle. So I did what any self-serving royal does in times of distress--I screamed my fool head off. I thought surely Marcymommy would realize the error of her ways but she only said that Monster was part lab and had a "soft" mouth meant for retrieving, not biting. Excuse me, I do not need to be retrieved. This went on for what seemed like days to the point where I had to stop playing with Monster when Marcymommy would look in our direction so she wouldn't think I agreed with her idea of a good time.

Most days I carry my head and tail up, and make my eyes extra bright and shiny. I rarely yell at Marcymommy or Pauldaddy when they pick me up, even when I'm surprised. Marcymommy makes a good nap pillow except when she's faking it so she can take my picture, none of which I've noticed have ended up on my blog. Hmmm...duty calls.